The Rage Post: When you are burned out
This is my rage post. I am hitting the keys on my computer as if my fingers are prize fighters trying to land the knock-out punch. OMG. I am SO angry.
And I know why I am angry. It comes in three parts. 1) What happened 2) Why I wasn’t ready 3) What I’m doing now
But there is a fourth part, too, and that’s why I think that writing about it could help YOU!
So here’s the sitch.
What happened
This morning I had a fight with my child over something silly. I did something nice for them while they were sleeping, and they didn’t believe I had done it (they didn’t fully wake up) so they yelled at me that I had not, in fact, done what I knew I had done.
Now, as most mothers of tweens know, being disrespected is part of the job description. (Note: I DO expect my kids to treat me with respect, but I am 100% NOT going to try to make that happen when we are both beyond pissed. We will revisit it later when we are both more rational.)
Anyway, I did my best to avoid saying anything I’d regret later, and instead vented to my husband.
Why I wasn’t ready
It’s been a rough winter. Like R-O-U-G-H. A member of the family has been struggling with serious health issues, and we’ve just been trying to keep it together and support that person. Plus keep track of daily life for the other members of the family. Plus keep up with appointments with counselors, doctors, and so on. Plus deal with all the extra needs of my students after 2 years of a global pandemic.
And my partner was traveling for business all last week. We thought about having him cancel the trip, but it was truly important and came at a critical time for the start-up he works for. Plus, things had been improving over the past couple of weeks.
And overall, things went well while he was away. But all week long, I had been focusing on my own emotional control. – reining myself in at school, at home, everywhere. Trying to be what everyone needed me to be. And I had done a really great job.
So my tank was empty. Like, super, super, empty. I had reached the limits of my emotional control. And this morning, I just lost it. (Not at my kid, but yeah, later with my partner.)
What I’m doing now
I’m sitting in a café, looking out the window, eating a cinnamon roll and drinking a mocha latte. And typing. Because writing is what heals me.
When I was able to, I left. Not (too) meanly, or grumpily, but yeah, a little. Because I need to get ME back. For the past 3 months or so, I have been putting ME on hold. And you know what? I’m cool with that. I’m actually a little proud of it. Because my family and my students needed me. And I stepped up.
But I also need to pay attention to me. And when I burst into tears this morning, and didn’t even raise my arms to hug my partner back, I knew I had overdrawn my own emotional bank account. I needed to put something back.
The kitchen isn’t going to get cleaned today. The laundry won’t get finished. But I am going to sit here and type until my fingers hurt, and then take the train to along the fjord and walk around Sandness (the next big-ish town) in the sunlight.
And I’m not going home until I feel like it. Then, if I’m not feeling any better, I might do something similar tomorrow.
Because, Lordy, I need it.
And then I’m going to go back and be a rock for my family and my students again. And I’ll BE ABLE TO because I listened to my own needs and took care of me.
Why it matters to you
Teaching requires tremendous emotional control. Like, probably more sustained patience than any other paid job in the world. If you are a mother, congrats! You also have a home life that requires a tremendous emotional control. Not to mention the sheer number of demands that both teaching and mothering entail. Planning, organizing, motivating, accommodating, and about a million other tasks.
And (don’t take this personally or anything) You. Are. Human.
I know, I know. We’re not supposed to be. Society expects both mothers and teachers to be perfect. But (again, don’t take this personally) we are not. We are humans. Perhaps a lot MORE human than “ordinary” people because we have such caring hearts. And when we can’t fix something, or someone believes we did something wrong, it hurts – a lot.
It is essential for us to listen when our emotions tell us that we have had enough, and to get away. Or get with friends. Or get in our bed and not let anyone disturb us for an entire day. Whatever you need and can manage.
If you already have time for yourself build in, and you are honoring that commitment to yourself, massive kudos to you. You can quit reading now. You’ve already got the idea.
But if there is a little voice in the back of your mind whispering, “But…”, then please continue. This is for you.
Whatever your “but” may be – “But I’m a single mom,” “But I have so much to do,” “But I can’t afford it,” I want you to give some thought to whether that is really a reason or an excuse for not tending to your own needs. Like, if you got a call that your kid was in an accident, you’d find a way to get there, even if they were 3 states away.
Tending to our own needs often doesn’t feel urgent, so we ignore it. But that’s when teachers (and parents) snap and do something that gets them in trouble at work, or damages a relationship at home.
I know it’s hard. We keep telling ourselves we can hang on just a little longer. And sometimes, there is something you just have to get through. I get it. Notice, I didn’t leave my kids home alone while my husband was out of town. But when I knew I had pushed myself as much as was safe, and it was possible to take some time out, I didn’t KEEP pushing myself. Even though I did want a clean kitchen and finished laundry.
Now, an hour into writing, my fingers are no longer prize fighters. They’re gentle, but purposeful. Focused. Happily energetic. And when I get home later today, I’m going to hug my husband, and tell my kid that she is more important than any silly argument. And I’ll actually mean it!