If one thing has become clear over the past 2+ years, it is that a teacher without healthy boundaries is on a fast track to burnout or mental breakdown. But it’s not always easy for us to set boundaries. I mean, how do you set boundaries when all of society expects teachers to give every shred of themselves for the job? And what about the fact that even when we try to set boundaries, we meet with resistance or pushback. Or worse, the dreaded TEACHER GUILT?
Well, part of the reason that boundaries can be so difficult is that there are a number of myths and misunderstandings about boundaries. And if we want to actually be successful at setting healthy boundaries – instead of merely beating ourselves up for not having them, we’ll need to replace them with more accurate boundary paradigms.
Myth #4 – You are either good at setting Healthy boundaries or you’re not
For some reason, people seem to think setting boundaries is a toggle switch: either you can or you can’t. Either you do or you don’t. That’s like thinking that writing or math or swimming or dance is a toggle switch and you either can or you can’t. Sounds ridiculous, right?
Like all of those activities, setting healthy boundaries is a skill. A skill that takes practice, and a skill that has a variety of levels of ability.
No one would ever “decide” that they were going to get better at writing or dance and then be puzzled when the next time they tried they weren’t automatically brilliant just because they “decided” to be.
They would realize that they were going to have to practice, and learn, and practice some more. And then after practicing – and messing up – repeatedly, they would slowly improve.
Setting boundaries is the same way. It takes practice. It takes messing up and trying again. If we try a couple of times and then tell ourselves “Well, I tried, but I’m just not good at it,” we’re shortchanging ourselves just as much as that kid who tries a math worksheet and then throws down his pencil in frustration, yelling, “I’ll NEVER be good at math!” It’s not true for him, and it’s not true for us, either.
How to fix it
Just like that kiddo, we need to understand that learning a new skill is a process, and celebrate even minor victories. You agreed to be on the committee, but NOT to be responsible for taking notes? WAY TO GO! You’re still checking school email after hours, but limit it to two times per evening? SUPER!
Talk to yourself like you do your students who struggle, and you’re a lot more likely to stick with it – AND improve in major ways.
Myth #3 – Setting healthy boundaries is an easy, comfortable process
We’ve just mentioned how boundary setting is a skill, like dancing or football or any other sport. When you start practicing a sport, you often experience some discomfort, often in the form of sore muscles. In the same way, you might experience some discomfort when learning to set healthy boundaries. It will take a while to say things in a way that you feel comfortable, and you will probably feel awkward.
That doesn’t mean that you aren’t good at it or that you should stop trying. It just means that you are pushing yourself emotionally. With time, you’ll strengthen those “boundary muscles” just like if you were swimming, you’d strengthen physical muscles.
How to Fix it
In short, push through. Don’t give up just because you feel uncomfortable or awkward. Acknowledge that it is part of the process of learning and growing, and just keep trying, even when you don’t feel like it.
Myth #2: If other people don’t like your boundaries, you’ve done something wrong
If you are the go-to person for last-minute proofing or for creating a fun game for the team to use or for covering someone else’s duty, you might get some pushback the first few times you say no. That doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. It means that you are asking someone to change the way they relate to you, and some people don’t really like change. Especially when it means that you will no longer be making their life easier in some way that makes your own life harder.
Let’s say that you have always responded to parent emails almost immediately, but decide that you will only respond during school hours. You send out a notice that because of the impact after-hours are having on your personal time, you will be responding to emails only between the hours of X:00 AND X:00. You will probably have some parents who are grumpy when you don’t shoot back a response.
That doesn’t mean the boundary isn’t worth having or that you have made a mistake. It is a predictable part of setting boundaries. Have a ready response and stick to it.
Also, when people realize that you are going to stick to your boundaries, they tend to accept it. Remember, boundaries teach other people how to treat you, and it might take a while for them to re-learn how you expect to be treated. But it doesn’t mean they can’t learn, it just means that it will take time.
How to Fix it
Expect and prepare for pushback. Explain calmly and rationally why you have changed your policy. (If you choose to.) Then hold your boundary and press on.
Let me give you an example of a boundary I’m still working on. My beloved kids don’t do as much work around the house as I would like. A few years ago, I decided it had to change. I moved my boundaries, and gave each of them a job that had to be completed on Saturday. You would have thought I was asking them to move the Pyramid of Giza stone by stone to the other side of the world. But after about 2 months of weekly complaints and frothing at the mouth, they realized that this was how it was going to be. Now it’s no big deal, just a part of normal life.
I have since added other responsibilities to what I expect of them, and we follow the same pattern each time. Complaints, grumping, and general unhappiness for a while, and then they re-learn that boundary. And for the record, I’m still not happy with my boundaries in relationship to the proportion of housework Mom and Dad do vs. how much the kids do. But just like I encouraged you to do, I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. Instead of telling myself that I’m a terrible mom and my kids will never learn responsibility and it’s all my fault (which I totally WOULD have done a few years ago!), I’m trying to celebrate the progress we have made, and continue to work toward my ideal.
You might have noticed that we are at myth #2. There is one myth about healthy boundaries that is SO ingrained, SO prevalent, and SO damaging, that it needs to be tackled on its own. Check in next week to see what it is. You might have a pretty good idea already, if you give it some thought.
Think you know? Pop your guess in the comments.